Here are some sights and scenes from one wicked cool tradeshow.
During the past 20 years, I have seen it all when it comes to bachelor and bachelorette parties in chauffeured vehicles. Some memories bring smiles and other memories still haunt me. You tend to get better at handling these runs the more you do them, but the shock factor never entirely disappears. I want to share some personal observations from me and my chauffeur team on a market niche that is naughty by nature but very nice for the bottom line.
Code of Silence
As we all know, there is a standard of confidentiality in our business. “What goes on in the limo stays in the limo” is a principle that takes a page from the Las Vegas Golden Rule — and for good reason. Clients riding in a chauffeur-driven vehicle seem to lose all inhibitions and do things they would not normally do. Could you imagine watching a professional administrative assistant from your office slurping down her beverage in an anatomically correct penis tumbler? Or a co-worker so plastered he can’t even form a sentence?
In my quest to share naughty stories with you by interviewing chauffeurs around the nation, many were unwilling to talk about it for this article unless I assured them their names would be changed or no last names used. This is an affirmative nod to the code of silence. In most small towns, sharing stories of risqué behavior could cause people to shun doing business with you.
• • • • •
Rule No. 1: Mum on client behavior. No gossiping.
Guys vs. Girls Behavior
While men are often referred to as “pigs” and are believed to be dirty minded creatures, I can tell you the overall behavior of women out for a night of debauchery has been far more shocking to me than a group of men. For the most part, men drink excessively and like to go to strip clubs for their big night out. While seeing live naked women may exceed the bounds of decency by many standards, I have had many women bring along photos I can only assume were ripped out of Playgirl magazines. These photos are proudly taped to the interior windows or walls of the vehicle as phallic decorations. Women bring along pacifiers/suckers, napkins, straws and tumblers all shaped to resemble the male organ. The closest thing men might bring is a blow-up doll with anatomically correct features. Men do proudly carry these blow-up dolls into nightclubs or bars they might visit during the night. Girls tend to dress the bachelorette up with tiaras with white veils and sashes that say, “Bride-to-be.” In my opinion, this is a shameless plug for free drinks everywhere they go. But it seems to work as guys clamor for the attention of a gaggle of girls walking into a club. On the other hand, unless the bachelor is carrying a blow up doll, there really is no way to differentiate which dude is the bachelor in a bachelor party.
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Rule No. 2: Chauffeurs on these runs need a sense of humor but a clear sense of command. Make sure you assign the right ones.
Taking It Too Far
While the girls might be the ones that appear to be dirtier by what they bring to the party, seldom do girls bring along a real live man. It is not uncommon for guys to hire a stripper or two to ride along with them on a limo bus and put the “entertainment pole” to good use in a private show. I doubt that most of them would go home and tell their wives or girlfriends about this part of the night. Unless the girls go to a male revue show, they are merely looking at photos pasted on a wall as opposed to the live version models performing for them. There just aren’t a lot of strip clubs for women.
The whole bachelor/bachelorette party is deemed to be a “last night of fun” ritual. I have seen more than my share of taking it too far — to a level that could cause an impending marriage to be called off if the other party knew how their beloved had behaved during the night. I have observed a bachelorette and a bachelor go home with someone other than the one they are going to marry soon. Sadly, or happily for the chauffeur, three chauffeurs reported that they went home with the bachelorette or member of the bachelorette party at the end of their driving shift.
This could be considered a perk of the job or completely unprofessional, but I don’t judge what happens after hours. I also have seen guys go a little too far with hired strippers that actually become hired prostitutes whether they want to call themselves that or not.
Rule No. 3: Know the differences between the two types of parties and plan accordingly.
Tied to a Tree, Rescued by Chauffeur
In one of the most bizarre incidents I can recall, a group of guys bought the bachelor shot after shot of Goldschlager, a powerful, high-alcohol- content liqueur. By the end of the evening, the poor guy couldn’t even walk. I was directed to take him home first. The guys unloaded their friend, took him to a tree in his front yard and propped him down in front of it after first removing his belt. They put his hands behind his back and tied them with the belt assuring me that it was loose enough that he could undo it. They said their plan was to call his fiancee as soon as we drove away and let her know where to find him. I protested and they began getting angry with me. I had four of them to take home and they all lived within one mile so I reluctantly left him tied to the tree. As I was loading my passengers, the sprinklers came on adding a surprise element of laughter and fun. It was July and 80 degrees, so it wasn’t exactly cruel. I returned back 20 minutes later, untying my drunk passenger and assisting him to his door. He asked me to reach in his pocket and get his house keys. This was something I refused to do and told him that if he should wake up in the morning and find all his money missing, I did not want to be blamed. He handed me the keys, I pushed him in the front door, set his keys on a small table and wished him well.
• • • • •
Rule No. 4: Use good judgment and discretion. Safety comes first, but chauffeurs must apply common sense when being the adult in the room.
One More for the Road
In another shocking display of bad judgment and behavior, a chauffeur in Phoenix reported that his group of girlfriends celebrating at a nightclub returned to the car with a cowboy in tow. They informed the chauffeur that the boy would be riding with them to the next destination. The chauffeur was instructed to “just drive.” The partition was left open so nothing was left to the chauffeur’s imagination as several of the girls, including the bachelorette, “interacted” with their newly acquired cowboy.
• • • • •
Rule No. 5: Close the partition. As much as possible, train chauffeurs to “see nothing, hear nothing, know nothing.”
A chauffeur in El Paso related a story of a bachelor and bachelorette party taking place in the same night. Both parties chartered limos from the same company unbeknownst to either chauffeur. Perhaps the company knew but didn’t share it with the chauffeurs. As the chauffeur departed a nightclub, he added two female passengers to his bachelor group and drove to the next club as instructed. Upon his arrival, he parked at the curb and was dutifully holding the door open for his passengers to exit the vehicle when another vehicle from his company arrived and also began unloading passengers. Much to everyone’s horror, it was the bride-to-be and her posse. They were not pleased to see the two girls exit the boys’ limo. The fact that none of the boys could introduce the two young ladies by name only made the appearance worse. Security from the club had to intervene. The ride ended with the loving couple riding home in one vehicle and the rest of the party got a ride home from the second limo. Transportation for the two additional “guests” was not arranged.
• • • • •
Rule No. 6: Expect the unexpected.
Here are some sights and scenes from one wicked cool tradeshow.
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