Teenage Dream, Chauffeur Nightmare

Posted on June 7, 2011 by LCT Magazine

 At 26 years old, singer-songwriter Katy Perry has quite the résumé: her album Teenage Dream is one of only nine albums to ever produce four or more Billboard Hot 100 number one hits, and she is the first artist in history to spend an entire year – 52 consecutive weeks – in the top 10 of the Billboard Hot 100. She’s been nominated for a whopping 147 music-industry awards (6 of them Grammys), 45 of which she’s won. And she’s been in possibly the most popular episode of Sesame Street that never aired thanks to the TITILLATING ATTIRE she wore in her duet with Elmo. All of which apparently gives her the right to make PREPOSTEROUS, DIVA-LIKE DEMANDS of the poor souls who end up as her chauffeurs.
What’s worse is that she’s probably not even aware of her “chauffeur rules” as they were clearly written by an illiterate idiot – most likely whoever was responsible for allowing her to DRESS UP LIKE A ROTTING BUTTERNUT SQUASH – because we all know Katy Perry is the SMARTEST GIRL IN THE WORLD, and would never write rules as silly as “do not stair at the backseat thru the rearvieuw mirror”, since limousines traditionally don’t have stairs, or “the driver will never assume, always ask if in doubt” which directly contradicts the rule “the driver will not start a conversation with the client.”
At least there’s one good rule in the driver policy: “Always check the vehicle matinees before pick up,” since no one wants an unchecked vehicle matinee, whatever that is. Maybe her BRIDEZILLA of a husband, obscenely hilarious comedian Russell Brand, would know.
With all that said, I certainly wouldn’t mind chauffeuring Ms. Perry around as long as I had these nifty REARVIEW MIRROR SPY SUNGLASSES.
I’m sure many of you have encountered nightmare celebrities or wacky demands, so please feel free to share in the comments section below. – Michael Campos, LCT assistant editor
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